i hate laundry.

I HATE laundry. Yes, I'm that passionate about hating it. A few times I have even bought underwear (because really, isn't that when everyone does their laundry? when they're out of underwear?) because I just did not want to do it. It's nice that I have it in my building, but I feel like it takes so long. The up and down. The switching to the dryer. The folding. The putting away. It's all a pain in the ass. And maybe that's due to me doing 4 loads at a time because I wait too long to get around to it.

Anyways, I've realized I've become one of those women that dreams about appliances. Oh, the day that I have a washing machine and dryer in my home, how grand life will be.

It doesn't help that my laundry now piles up twice as fast since I've upped my work outs per week. It seriously drives me nuts.

One of the worst things about doing laundry in an apartment building with 18 floors and 10 washers and dryers, is the timing. It's all about the timing. Anytime during the week after 5 isn't good. Sundays. Don't even think about it. But apparently Saturday nights are a good time for laundry.

Of course tonight I decided to do only one load of laundry because I was so mad about it and the whole room is free and empty. Huh? I wonder why? Oh. That's right. Because it's Saturday night.

So it worked out in my favor for once.

Now...if only I could get a dishwasher for those dishes.

something like friendship.

I'm starting to realize how protective I am of my ex-boyfriend. (I realize that sounds ridiculous to 99.9% of people) I don't even want to call him that anymore. Sounds so harsh. When you hear the word ex-boyfriend it seems like it's always associated with negativity and pain. I mean is there any other feeling that comes to mind when you hear that word? But the truth is, at least in my little head, that I'm feeling differently this time. I've dated, loved and lost and have totally disregarded guys that maybe weren't the best for me, but it's different with exbf. But don't all the girls say that?

So, I'm wondering...can an ex ever really become a friend? Can new boundaries be laid and new nicknames be made? (Unintentional rhyming, gotta love it)

But I'm serious. When does an ex become a friend? I know what you're thinking...never, but for some reason my gut is telling me that's not true. It can happen. And I like my gut. Wait. That's not what I meant. I mean I like my intuition. I trust it, I feel it, it's there.

I've always been an observer of sorts. I love watching people, the way they move and the way they hold themselves. To me, this is fascinating. But maybe that's because I also enjoy observing myself, my mental, emotional and intuitive self, if you will. And this time, it's telling me it can be done.

I'm not talking about getting a best friend back. I'm talking about gaining a new friend. Not a hang out all the time friend, but more like a coffee here and there friend. A friend I'm connected to, but don't need to talk to all the time friend. Have you ever felt that way with someone? Not just with a past love, but just someone. I feel lucky to have a handful of relationships in my life like this. But I think that's what makes me feel like I'm an old soul at times. I want to be the person who can forgive and forget as long as I'm putting myself first. I'm not talking walk-over. I'm talking walk-with.

So, as always, time will tell. Right now I feel I'm in a good place. It's been 2 1/2 years since we broke up. Those were not an easy couple of years, but I think I've finally (FINALLY) reached my point of peace. We dated for four years. Four years is a long time when you're young. Four years of falling in love, growing up and then moving on because we both knew it was time. That period of my life contained every range of emotion wrapped into one.

Maybe it's now time for something new, something like friendship. And maybe that's why I'm so protective. I've always been protective of those I love. I don't want people judging him, or me, or us, and I realize the facts of the story could add up to just that. But I need to be at peace with that and let those potential judgments go. When it comes down to it, I have to trust my intuition.

When we broke up, I suggested not to be in touch for six months. I needed a clean break. I think we both did. He was too easy to love and so hard to let go, but I knew it was what I needed, and we stuck to that deal with only a couple setbacks. We kept in touch through sporadic texts and emails after that. I saw him at a concert. We even talked about hanging out again. But that was about it. And that was a good thing.

Those following years were not easy years; they were growing years. Throughout that time, I went through every emotion possible. I still sometimes wonder if I'll find another love like that, but I trust I will because I've learned a lot from that relationship. I learned that couples can balance. Love. No power play. Trust. No harsh words. Independence. Utter respect for one another. This is what I had, and this is what I will always want. Our relationship lost our balance and eventually it started to sway. But swaying's not so bad. Not so bad at all.

It's funny to think of the life I thought I would be living with him.
It's nice to know that maybe a new one has begun.

shamelessly proud.

I got a text this morning from ex-bf saying he's done taping the reality show.

I'm just glad we still keep in touch. I can't imagine watching someone you don't like up on a platform like that. It's weird to think he will be exposed to the world. A lot of mixed feelings about it, but one thing is definite:

I'm shamelessly proud of him.

So we'll see what kind of roller coaster this sends me on. As much as I love the guy, I think it's going to be a bit weird.

Would you want to see an ex splashed on TV at the hand of producer?

I used to think no, but now I'm a bit curious...

breaking point.

At yoga today I thought I was going to puke. It was the strangest feeling because there I was being a yogi, keeping busy, bending this way and that, and then we had to stand up and stand still and I felt completely nauseous. Ugh. Something must want out.

I could've been just hungry, but I really don't think it was that at all; I think that I've finally reached my breaking point.

I quit my job last May (that was a happy day) after I graduated and received my Masters in Library and Information Science. In June and July, I lived in France. (Man I miss France.) After that I did some more traveling to Alaska and Montana.

Then...I started looking for a job. Woo-hoo.

The thing is I am one of those people that is completely content with keeping busy at home while looking for work. I love solitude in doses, especially when I'm at liberty to take it as I please. But that time has apparently come to an end because I now am craving something new. I want to work. I want to think. I want to be challenged. And well yes, I can challenge myself so many ways with goals, but I'm also craving that interaction between people. (No, I didn't want these things for awhile. I'm not lazy, well, not all the time. I was detoxing from FT work and PT school. Thank God I'm done with that!)

I'm not a hermit that sits at home all day long and doesn't leave the apartment, but when I do it's doing stuff like getting coffee, working out, running errands. I'm tired of it. I want to do this with other people. (Not the working out. I like working out alone.) And these other people are working! So, not do I only need a job for a challenge, but I need one so I don't stress out about getting one.

You see my predicament.

One good thing is that I'll be starting an internship, albeit part-time, yet happily paid, in a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping this satisfies some of my cravings.

I think it will.

It better.

It must.

Oh, who am I kidding? I'm not almost puking because I don't have a job.

I'm almost puking because I bury my stress subconsciously (although I'm conscious of it after I've done it) and it's always been what I do. But how do you stop doing something that your not doing consciously? You become aware. And how do I become aware? I go to yoga.

And once again, a predicament. Maybe I should up my yoga intake into twice a week. Or maybe I should stop stressing about my subconscious stress.

Great. Back to square one.

Any suggestions for breaking this neurotic battle greatly appreciated...

hunter gatherer.

Every time I walk past the bike shop I peek in to see if he's there.

When I was in high school, I asked a guy to a turnabout dance. You know the kind where the girl's supposed to ask the guy, blah blah blah. I still remember making pizza at my house, giggling with one of my friends, when I finally summoned up enough courage to call and ask out my neighbor who I had crush on. He said yes. We went to the dance. It was awful.

Not only was I a shy girl, but I think us hanging out was a secret. I would go to his house after school, and we'd discuss Black Flag, Henry Rollins and that would be it. (God. I still love Henry Rollins.) I never kissed the guy, came close, or even knew I wanted to, but I enjoyed hanging out with him prior to this dance.

Anyways, the dance was lame, we barely talked and then we didn't hang out again. Ever. High school is so weird. He started hanging out with a mean group of straightedges and that was that.

Fast forward 10 years.

Went with my sister to get a tire fixed on her bike. Who was there? You guessed it! Mr. Neighbor. He was in the back, so as someone else helped us with the bike, my sister and I argued about saying something to him. She of course wanted me to, hoping to get some kind of deal with the tire, and me not wanting to because...well...I just didn't want to. I hate being in potentially awkward situations, but secretly I wanted to say hi because it was unexpected, random and funny.

So as I said his name with a lilting question mark, he came over and chit-chatted. We got the tire fixed for free, and I left the store happy that I said hello. And that was that.

I just find it funny how life circles around us like that. How many times have you heard someone say how the world is so small? Now granted, it's not like we live far from where we grew up, but it just makes me wonder why you run into certain people at certain times.

All I know is that I still thought he was cute and he resembled my ex-boyfriend. Apparently, I have a type. The type that wears a black t-shirt with the words "hunter gatherer" on the back. Yum.

(Yum you may ask? I'm not into cavemen or anything, but the words hunter and gatherer thrown together apparently "turn my crank" as Dan Savage likes to say. Certain things are so primal.)

So I do still see Mr. Neighbor here and there in the new neighborhood, but only on occasion and always randomly. Every time I see him though, he says I should stop by the bike shop. I never do.

Maybe I should...

playing for change.

Music and people are two things I've always loved. The song "Stand by Me," not so much. Yes, it has a sweet sentiment, but after you hear it throughout the years it's like enough already. Actually though. That might be a lie because I did used to love it. Maybe it was just played too much when that movie came out. Whenever I hear the song I automatically think of that poster with the moon and the railroad tracks. You know the one.

Huh. Apparently the one I have in my head is only in my head because I just looked up the old movie posters and it's just mountains and sky and boys walking. Now that I think about it I don't even know if that song came out with that movie. Whatever. I'm rambling...

The reason I'm rambling: Playing for Change.

My mom sent me this video today, and I can't stop watching it. Seriously. It's worth the 5 minutes if a) you like music b) like different cultures c) have a heart.

Oh. And the whole Stand by Me reference. Well, you'll get it. Just watch the video.

no longer yours.

Dear Mr. Cooking,

I hate you so much. You seduced me with your adorable apron into that hot room of sin just to watch me fail. I should've recognized your type. The type that dangles delicious photographs of meals you know I'd love to eat just to watch me slave away until I burn myself. You threw me these "simple" recipes, with beautiful images, that made me want to make love to you right on the kitchen counter, while taunting me with your mincing and dicing.

You tried to build me up with suggestions of farmer's market produce only to laugh as I ate the one piece of produce I recognized: an apple. How dare you tease me with "this'll be easy" and talks of "5 easy steps." I don't even know what arugula is. Yeah, go ahead and stare at me with your cockeyed smile. I know your type. All talk and no action.

Well guess what? I've found a new love. Yep, that's right. And his name is Mr. Baking. Not only does he use tangible products like flour and salt, but he also lets things get messy. Messy in that way you never let me. You used to yell and scream when I would spill a little oil on the counter, while chopping onions and celery, but Mr. Baking is different in that oh so good way. He lets me run my fingers through his flour and then recklessly taste him before I put him in the oven. And after too.

So I'm not going to listen to you anymore. No more trying to make me balance food preparation in order for it to be ready at the same time. No more taunting long lists of expensive ingredients I don't know where to find. No more hours of preparation just to throw away your disgusting creation when it's all over.

But there is one thing I'm keeping from you. That adorable apron. That adorable apron you seduced me with yet made me keep so clean...

Yes. I am keeping it. And Mr. Baking just loves getting it dirty.

No longer yours,

M

(Twenty Something Blog: February Carnival Theme Post)

my 20's thus far. the highlights.

20. Who knows what I was doing then.....
21. Graduated from college. yay.
22. Met love of my life, accepted first job.
23. Fell more in love and started to dislike job.
24. Disliked job most definitely by now.

25. Yay. Quarter-life crisis. Really hated job then. Started grad school. Broke up with love of my life. Got back together with love of my life.

26. Extremely busy with school I liked and job I hated. Broke up with love of my life, again.

27. Graduated from grad school - Yes!
Quit job I hated - Yes!
Lived in France for six weeks - Yes!

28: Found out ex-love of my life is going to be on a reality tv show.
Nooooooooo.

and i'm supposed to do work when?

No one ever told me that I'd become utterly consumed by the online world. I never really thought it would happen either. Last year while in Library school (yes, librarian's have to get their Masters, ugh) a fellow student talked about the new cool thing that all the teens were doing. It was called Twitter. (What's the point of that I thought obliviously blind to what was to come.) Fast-forward a year, and now that's all I'm doing! Granted, it's only been a couple of weeks since I dove headfirst into the world of Twitter and blogging, but I swear. When am I supposed to work? (Work meaning of course, looking for a job) All I want to do now is write, read, write, read. I always thought it was overwhelming thinking about all the books I want to read, and now I have to add blogs???

Yesterday I spent a good amount of the day twittering, going through emails, chatting with people through FB messages and checking out Twenty Something Bloggers, when around 1:30 I realized I had forgotten something. I had forgotten to call a company to accept a job offer! Who does that? Apparently the online me does.

So with all that said, I know it's going to take me a little while to wrap my head around everything out there, so bare with me please. If I'm capable of forgetting to accept a job offer, of one I desperately need and actually want, then who knows what else will get thrown by the wayside.

Good thing I'm a librarian who loves to organize.

cocoon of the parents.

There's something about going home to my parent's for me that I absolutely love. Sure. At first I want to run far far away and get back into my cozy city where I can conveniently ignore the world if I so choose, but then something happens. I get used to the rhythm and familiarity of home. My sister termed it perfectly in an email today when she said "I bet you're having fun in the cocoon of the parents." And how true that is. Of course part of it is having no "real" responsibilities. What's better than sitting on the couch, eating food you didn't have to pick up from the grocery store yourself and just decompressing from life. At least this is what happens to me when I go home for more than one day. I've only spent one night at home and already it's 10:50pm and I'm getting ready for bed. (Which personally just never ever happens. I'm lucky if I make it to bed by midnight usually.) I sum it all up to the cocoon.

Yet the reason I came home was because I had an interview for a job in a surrounding suburb, so the relaxation didn't completely start until mid-morning (because when is an interview ever relaxing). But after that it was like, let's see how much of little I can do in one day. Turns out, a lot. After my interview I went and got coffee, read at home, went to see The Reader and then picked up take out with my mom because my dad was at the Northwestern basketball game. I could get used to this. And who am I kidding? I kindof already am.

It's funny though, this suburb/city juxtaposition. I'm currently in a phase (which I swear will last, but who really knows anyways) of saying I will never live in the suburbs. I don't mean it to sound snobby, but I just love the city pace of life. It fits though since I'm young(ish), single and figuring out what I want to do with my life. But there is something nice about a break from it all. Something nice about going home to the place you grew up. Something even nicer about being taken care of in the way only parents can do. Everytime I return to my true home in the city I'm happy to be back, but there's something about time stopping at my parent's and how sweet it is while it lasts.

Now don't get me wrong. Just like any normal child, my parents drive me crazy, but once all the hoopla of me being home dies down, and my parents stop fighting for my attention, it's nice to know I can go into a coma-like state with the ones I love the most.

goals.

On NYE, I wrote out some goals. Let's see how I'm doing...

1. Give blood at least 4x/year. Haven't done this yet, but am really really going to try to go this February.

2. Find a job. Um...yeah. This hasn't happened yet, but I'm sure it will.

3. Work out 5 days/week (while looking for work) and at least 4 days/week (once I've found a job). 50% success rate. 3 weeks of 4x/week and 3 weeks of 5x/week.

4. Volunteer once a month (not including my regular volunteer position at the Adler Planetarium). Successful so far. Volunteered in January through One Brick helping out the MDA with a disability awareness program for elementary schools. Still need to sign up for February, but plan on doing it.

5. Start making meals. Goal: 2x/week. Doesn't sound like much, right? Well...have totally failed at this. I hate cooking.

6. Be in a relationship for at least a few months. I've still got 10.5 months left, right?

7. Already talked about this one, but go to yoga once a week for at least 6 months. 100% success rate so far with this one!

8. Read a book at least 15 minutes/day. Pretty successful with this since I love to read, and don't keep track really, but use it as a reminder.

9. Needlepoint something. Started looking into patterns, but that's about it.

10. Come up with a French goal. Haven't done this yet...

So I'm working at it all, but looks like I still have a lot of work cut out for me for this 2009. Wish me luck!

a hidden america.

My mom called me tonight and suggested I watch 20/20 because there was a story about the lives of people in Appalachia. I thought hmm...I guess I'll turn it on since I was just going to read anyways and I love stories about people.

Then this one tugged very hard at my heart.

The program, "A Hidden America: Children of the Mountains", profiled different families dealing with many issues like drugs and poverty. Honestly, I basically just cried the whole time. It breaks my heart, and makes me feel utterly frustrated, when I hear stories about people who are just trying to get by and make the most of their lives, yet come across struggles that many of us will never see. It makes me mad at myself for every complaining about my life. But I know these people do not want my pity; They just want an opportunity for a better life. And I don't understand how the vicious cycle of poverty can ever be broken, and this weighs very heavy on my heart.

Yet, whenever I hear any sad, troubling, hard to swallow story, I feel this way. Then hours pass, and it's back to my everyday life until I hear another one. So what am I supposed to take away from these feelings?

Right now, I think judgment. I never want to judge someone, but we all do it. I am constantly reminding myself not to judge others because I know and believe that you never really know the other side of the story. People cannot help where they were born and who they were born to and I try to always remember this. And as hard as this can be sometimes, I think not judging is a good life goal for me. Life is hard, and I don't think it's meant to be easy, but I never would want to make it harder on someone else, so I try to stay away from judging. Believe me, it's not easy, and of course I fail at it every day. But I am aware. And I am trying my hardest to stay away from it.

For me, it might be easier because my natural disposition is to be happy and optimistic. But sometimes I wonder how many other people are silently trying to do the same thing. I believe these people are out there. There's a lot of anger, cynicism, and negativity in day to day life, and of course I am not always removed of it, but I believe in goodness; I know many others do too.

how i feel right now.

Like I have no clue what I'm doing.

Like I am way behind the times, which is actually pretty accurate.

Like that girl.

Yep. I'm a total newbie to the online world, and I'm pretty sure it's making me feel bad about myself. If only I could get the motivation to figure everything out. But no. I'll stay like this for awhile.

I'm too tired from working and looking for a job. Plus I haven't even told anyone about this, so it's more for my invisible friends anyways.

I must be masochistic. Actually, I know I am.

yoga. i love you.

I was going to write about goals, but being the procrastinator I am, I've decided to go with the yoga flow. Well actually, yoga is one of my goals, so I guess I can share that much.

My goal this year, or at least half of it (i mean. i do need to be realistic), is to go to yoga once a week for at least six months. So far, this is one goal I am totally rocking! Haven't missed a week yet! I know a huge part of that is that I've found a new instructor that I like. She is awesome. One of the things I love most about her class is that at the end she often leaves the class with a phrase or something to think about on a larger scale, or at least I perceive it that way.

Well let me tell you. I now have a new mantra for my new year! Wanna hear it? Ok. Brace yourself. It's: Let go of what does not serve you. Yeah...and why didn't I think of this myself? Or why did it hit me so hard the one day I heard it? Actually, I'm pretty pumped that I did hear it when I did because I literally wrote it down when I got home and now look at it almost every day. It's a great reminder. I love the thought of serving me and not letting others get in the way of that. To some that may sound selfish, and honestly sometimes I do feel selfish in that respect, and I think that's ok, but I do think that now is the time to serve myself so that I can serve others later in life.

Oh! And so the purpose of my yoga goal is so see the difference in myself mentally and physically after six months of regular yoga.

(Sidenote: I have done yoga for the past 7 years, so this isn't completely new, but in the past year other things got in the way...like a car accident, grad school and traveling. But now...I'm committed!)

So we'll see where this goal takes me. I'm hoping it's a much bendier place for not just my body, but my mind and soul too.

it's not me. it's you.

So. I just downloaded the new Lily Allen album, and I was so excited to get that email in my box that it was ready for download. I've been in a bit of a funk the past few days, and I'm hoping for some good cathartic music that will probably end up making me feel worse, in that oh so good way. I'm one of those girls that likes to listen to a new album from front to back, so I'm looking forward to see exactly what F**k You is all about!

So with this funk. I'm going to blame the weather, but how cliche is that? My 2009 is supposed to be all about goals and completing them and growing into who I want to be (which is what I think life's really about). But who is that? And who really cares when you're in a funk? All I want to do is eat potato chips and sit and make lists of all the things I need to do. You know. Stuff like...de-cluttering my room and going through old emails to purge. Oh, and that good ole thing called finding a job.

Today I just realized it's been about 6 months that I've been searching for a job. And let me tell you. 2008 rocked! 4 months of work! Who could beat that?! But reality is alas finally sinking in. More so, the reality of wanting to challenge myself and start feeling better about my life. I innately have faith that things will work out how they're supposed to, but more and more, I'm getting antsy. Maybe it's the bills that keep coming in and the debt I keep collecting and you know the whole economy thing, but I'm not one to blame others for my situation. So, since one of my 2009 goals is to find a job, I've been diligently (kinda) setting up a system for searching as well as having goals within my main goal.

It's not like I'm just sitting on my ass. I am volunteering and networking and going on interviews, but what I've realized recently is that I'm really scared of settling. I mean. I'm never one to settle, but I'm scared that it's getting to the point of really needing a job. So maybe that's why I'm in a funk. Or maybe it's because funks are part of life. I guess I just have to be thankful that my funks don't tend to stay for too long. For that I'm thankful. And who doesn't like a good funk every now and then anyway? At least it gives me a good excuse to buy chips and sit on my ass.

oh lord...

For awhile I've contemplated starting a blog and for god knows why. Just a compulsion at this point I guess. So for 2009, I'm going to try it out and see where it takes me. Yes, my 2009 starts in February. Help me now....