i have issues.

Do you want to hear them? No?
I suggest you turn away now.
Just giving you fair warning.
But no. Don't leave. It's still me.
Just me and my jagged edges.

I try my damnedest not to judge people but I Hate when people aren’t honest with themselves.
I try to be the bigger person, but get mad when no one realizes it.
I am an oxymoron wrapped up in twelve.

Or maybe just a hypocrite. But aren’t we all? Isn’t that what makes us human? Have you ever tried to do the right thing, but then conjured up how good it would feel to do the wrong thing? No? You're lying. I mean, it’s a part of life right? Failure is even encouraged. But probably not the failure I'm talking about, the kind where you're loaded with information that could harm others but you keep it to yourself because it's the right thing to do.

I constantly hem and haw over what I should be like and what I am like. I mean really, you are who you are, so what's the difference between "being" and "aming." And when it comes down to it, I usually do what's right especially if other people are involved. If it's just me, well that's a different story, but me hurting others: No. I try to stay as far away from that as possible. For me though, I swear it’s a constant battle because sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops about all the shit I could've said to so-and-so and then the truth would be out and I'd feel vindicated, but honestly no one wants to hear that. (and then I calm down and acknowledge that you know what? Everyone has that choice. Everyone has information that could harm others.) So I rise above my fantasies of revenge and I move on. It’s not all about me. I swallow my pride and try again. Try, try again. Always.

It slays me too because sometimes I just want to spew all the things I could say to hurt other people’s feelings. Isn’t that awful? I know. You’re thinking “this doesn’t sound like you” but be honest with me people. Don’t we all feel like that at some point? The cycle doesn't end, it just gets either a) passed on to others or b) overcome because people will always have inner battles and problems. It's part of the human experience.

So yes, I am a girl who bites her tongue, and although the blood tastes a little bitter, it's worth it to me. I don’t want to hurt others. It just kills me when I do have that urge to be like “you know what!? _______ (fill in blank with a whole lotta damaging truths)” But alas, I get over my rage and realize. What good will this do? Make me feel better for a millisecond but it would also tear some people up, and selfishly I don't want that on my conscience. So you lucky readers get to hear my vague wrath because sometimes I just need to get it out. So thanks. I swear. I’m not losing it. I’m just rolling with the punches. And sometimes that's just all you can do.

so messy.

Lately, the rain loves me.

Saturday I got caught in a downpour while I was walking home from the library. I had a raincoat on and and umbrella and I still basically looked like I was wading in some dirty pond by the time I got home because my jeans were drenched up to my thighs and there were leaves and dirt all over.

Today I got caught in the rain twice. Once after getting my hair cut and the other after working out.

And honestly, it felt kinda goooood.

Now don't get me wrong. If I'm on my way to work, or basically going anywhere, I hate the rain. But on days when I'm heading home, I kinda revel in it. I guess you could say it's the whole cleansing process idea, but I think it also has to do with reveling in what you can't control. Now I may seem idealistic, and actually that's pretty on the mark for most things in my life, but I do get how much the rain sucks when it cancels plans or gets in the way of life. But during those other times, I'm that crazy girl, looking up and smiling at the water pouring over me.

Seems so simple. So messy. So pure.
And I kinda love it.

slacker sunday: views from above

that i know for sure.

When I drink hard liquor, drinks or shots of any kind, I become a bit what they call obnoxious. Well, maybe not obnoxious, because I always have some limiters, but when I woke up this morning, I remembered that my last night consisted of yelling to everyone I saw outside "Hey Muthafuckas!" Of course this was also said with a HUGE smile on my face because let's face it. I'm a happy drunk.

But you know, it makes sense to me now. Like when you drink a lot your emotions come out and that's why there are so many mean and angry drunk guys. And let's face it, mean and angry drunk girls, too. What I really don't get though are when girls are flat out mean to other girls. Girls really are their own worst enemy.

Last night I was talking to a friend, and then all of a sudden he said "Woah - that girl just gave you the evil eye." Now maybe he was either a) trying to egg me on or b) not intuitive enough to interpret the girl's look, but really I know that look he was talking about because girls do it to each other all the time. And I just don't get it. I especially don't get it if it's directed at me because I think I'm pretty much the most non-threatening person out there. I sit. I drink. I laugh. I'm myself. That's it.

But maybe that is it. Sometimes I wish I talked more or was able to shoot the shit more easily, but really I'm always myself, and I'm okay most of the time with being a listener, an observer. And maybe that type of confidence comes off as threatening.

My parents tell me that I'm intimidating, but they're my parents. But recently I had a guy friend tell me that as well. And you know what? I guess can see that. But you know what else? That's hilarious to me because I'm the girl who always feels like Plain Jane.

There you go; that's my issue. Or one of them, I should say.

Deep down I know I'm not Plain Jane. Maybe being calm and confident is my way of dealing with my insecurities. Maybe being mean and bitchy is how other girls deal with theirs. And if my approach comes off as intimidating, maybe I need to work on being more open. I need to do less worrying and more opening. So that's my new goal: being more open to people.

I think it's a good one to have because really...

anyone would be lucky to get to know me.
That I know for sure.

it was perfect.

I wanted to cry after I was done working tonight because I was so exhausted. I think my working out the past six days finally caught up to me. I need mega sleep when I work out that much, and I just couldn't get it this week.

So instead of shedding tears of exhaustion, I decided to take a walk around North Pond, which is just a small pond near my apartment, to enjoy the nice weather and get out of my apartment.

I seriously LOVE where I live. I love living in the city, but I also love having parks, the Lake and the zoo close enough to enjoy at a moment's notice.

And at this moment. It was perfect.

stage one.

Now that I've seen BC two times, I'm starting to feel like a normal person again. He dropped a lot of bombs the first time. Then I was dealing with those bombs. And now that we've met again I could discuss this with him, and I feel better because I was able to get some hurt off my chest.

The unfortunate thing is that I'm still in this trial period. Can I handle being friends with an ex? I dunno. I've never wanted to try before. We both believe that we should be in each other's lives, but it's weird to go from knowing everything about each other to only knowing the highlights.

So I'm taking baby steps. I know we will never date again because there was a reason we broke up, but the attraction is still there on both ends. And silly me thought that would go away. Does it ever? I feel like it might only be the case if someone is a total asshole and that fits neither of our descriptions, so it's there, unwillingly.

I'll admit it's a bit tempting as well.
Do I really want to go towards that danger zone?
Yes and no.
Yes because it's fun.
No because I don't think I can handle the aftermath.
And wouldn't that be just me walking backwards.
Still.
Tempting.

Sigh

It would help if one of us were not single.
Maybe that's the key.
Actually I know it is.

Still. I'm wavering.

slacker sunday.

Miss Courtney tagged me for a HERE AND NOW photo of moi. And while I'm cheating because I'd be too depressed to post of photo of me when I first got the tag last night. (Think me exhausted and grumpy. And posting that to the world would only make it worse.) BUT. I thought my slacker sunday would be a great day to post some of the most recent photos of me when I was bored and playing with Photo Booth not too long ago.

Wanna Play?
Let's see yours.

all is right with me.

One of my favorite things to do is hang out with my mom. When we spend time together, I am the most relaxed and happy. I guess that's natural. Well, for me at least. My mom and I continue to get closer as the years go on, and we're actually very similar. I'm more like my mom and my sister's more like my dad. It's weird how genes work like that.

So yesterday my mom was out visiting me (she lives in the burbs) and we spent the day going to a museum, walking along the lake and getting coffee and food and basically just enjoying the day. These days are the best, and I feel very lucky to be able to have these days with her.

Really it was just what I needed since I've been so wishy washy about my life lately.

I'm finding that I want to spend more and more time with my parents lately too because when it comes down to it, my family is really what matters the most to me. Yes, it makes it a little hard to think about because I eventually want to have a family of my own, but until that happens, I feel so good when I'm around them, and I feel pretty lucky in that respect.

I'm trying so hard to live in the present now, and when my present is with my family, all is right with me.

trying to look up.

I don't know why I do this to myself, but I do: I live my own vicious cycle. You'd think I'd be wise enough to learn from my mistakes. Faith is what trips me up.

I have faith in people. I expect a lot out of people, but I am also empathetic to a fault. I believe people can turn their lives around. I've seen it happen. But for those lost souls who I gravitate towards, my optimism is unyeilding. Maybe I need to turn that mirror around though and pour some optimism into me.

As I've mentioned time and again, I'm ready for my "transitional period" to be over. I am keeping busy. I am doing new things. I am living the life I want to. Yet, I am still so frustrated.

I know I'm inviting the devil in when I compare my life to others. I know there's no one set path, but I can't help but feel jealous of those who seemingly have "it" worked out. Intellectually I know the truth, but emotionally I'm aching for my life to "work out" although I know this is a moot point since lives don't just work out. They bend and change every day.

Like now I'm just getting to the point of worrying about having kids. (gasp. did I really just say that?) I don't even like kids. (See? I'm totally ready for that stage.) I know I'll love mine, and those of others I love, but I've never been one to oogle over a child. My mom was the same way. And maybe that's part of it too. Maybe it's watching my parents get older. I want them to be around when I have children, if I'm lucky enough to do so. It scares me to think that they won't.

I guess I'm just dwelling on the passing of time. It's an awesome, yet scary, part of life. I don't want to dwell, well not all the time because I like to feel my feelings, but sometimes I'd like to turn them off as well.

So. That's where I'm at. A bit lost. Finding my way. Trying to look up.

As for the faith in people.
I'm learning I might just have to give up on some, and it slays me.
SLAYS ME.
But in the end, it might also save me.
And really. I need some saving.
And if I can't do it, who can?

i like this feeling.

I used to be that girl who had to get to the concert early. Never wanted to be late. So how did I turn into the girl who's like I don't care when I get there? Well, it could be that I've mellowed out a little. And I like it.

Last night I went to Lily Allen with a friend of mine. It started at 7:30. We got there at 9 right when she got on stage. It was perfect. We couldn't find a seat in the balcony. We couldn't see the stage on the main floor. And the whole time we were just cracking up at the ridiculousness of it all. Thinking about it more made me realize that those are things you remember from concerts. The unknowns. As we continued to wander up and down stairs looking for a place to stand or sit, we couldn't stop laughing. We finally found a place to stand where we could actually see, and it ended up being great.

Of course since concert prices tend to go up and up, I definitely wanted to see the show, but our bumbling around didn't take away from the experience; it added to it.

I like this feeling.

When it comes to movies, I'm still a bit of spazz about needing to get there on time.
But it's a bit refreshing to enjoy the concert experience for what it is rather than expecting it to be a certain way.

I'm hoping I can apply that to the rest of my life.
I'm sure working on it.

slacker (easter) sunday.

Happy Easter.

This adorable lil' bunny jumped out of the bushes during a walk one day.
I may have even said hello to it.
Out loud.

amazing.

Last night I went to the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to see the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra of Venezuela. Let me tell you. It was AMAZING!

Straight from the program:

The orchestra is comprised of over 200 young musicians from the ages of twelve to twenty-six, and is the flagship of the orchestral academic program of the State Foundation for the Venezuelan System of Youth and Child Orchestras.

What's really cool about this program though is that is was started with the belief that music can make a difference in people's lives. There are around 250,000 members in this system of preschool, children's and adult symphony orchestras and 75% of these children live below the poverty line.

Whenever I hear or experience amazing stories like this it just makes me feel so good. All it took was a few people's visions of how they could help and reach out to others, and now this program is affecting people throughout the world.

And let me tell you. This wasn't an awesome performance because it was a young symphony, it was awesome because the music was truly beautiful, inspiring, enraging all at once. That's one of my favorite parts of the symphony, the emotion. Probably not a huge surprise, but for me, music is all encompassing; I fall in love with it every day.

Also, it was incredible to see the conductor, Gustavo Dudamel, with his enthusiasm and energy. Oh yeah, and he's only 28. To me, it's crazy and incredible at the same time, that he is so young and so successful and accomplished.

What I really took away from this experience though is how powerful following your passion can be especially when you pass it on to others.

I only hope that I do the same.

One of the encores, minus the jackets:

a matter of time.

I'm okay with the fact that I continue to write the same thing over and over, but just with a different title and different words. I actually think it's part of my learning process, like if I write it enough I can either a) tease through my feelings or b) believe what I say. Of course this depends on the subject.

But, since I have been talking about being overwhelmed lately, I also wanted to mention that I'm feeling good. I've finally got it. Life is overwhelming. Always is. Always will be.

I'm one of those people that thinks life is not supposed to be easy. I never want to take the easy way out. Even though I complain about how I'm doing this and that and getting nowhere (although I truly know I'm getting somewhere), I think it's important to challenge myself.

I'm also torn between wanting a "simple life" and wanting to do a million things. Because really these are the things that are important to me: family, friends, traveling, a comfortable home, learning. Well I guess I could kinda go on and on, but the essentials really bring me to a place where I just want to enjoy my time with those I love while having a really cozy home.

So right now, things are good. They're looking up. While I'm still stressed about finances, I do know how fortunate I am in life, and I really try not to take it for granted.

I also now know that exercise is crucial for me. Not to look a certain way, but to feel a certain way.

So yes. Things are looking up. Feeling and emotions still amaze me though. For reals. I try to understand everything and everyone, but those suckers will get you every time. So I'm throwing my hands up to them because really...that's who I am, an ultra sensitive and emotional girl. And actually, I think that balances well with the strong, independent other side of me.

So while I keep mulling over life in my head, I've also decided to try some surrendering. I'm going to try to cut back on analyzing, and let some things happen organically for me. Because I know they will. It's just a matter of time.

all i can handle.

Watching fighting makes me feel sick to my stomach.
I can only imagine how it feels if you're the one getting punched.

Oh Lord.

i'll admit it folks, i'm tired.

The older I get, the more I realize there really isn't a script to life. An elementary thought maybe, but for some reason I've been thinking about it more lately. It's like I always thought I'd feel my age, whichever age that may be, when really I just continue to feel like I'm 12. Ok. Well not really 12, but you know what I mean.

I guess for some reason it's hitting me now because I'm at the age when people start settling down. And yes, I'll admit it. I wouldn't mind settling down. No, not settling. Never that. But having a place to call home and a person to spend time with is quite appealing to me.

It's weird though. I'm trying to tease out what that really means. Part of me is deathly scared of becoming dependent on someone but then I wonder...aren't we all dependent on someone? If I didn't have a friend to go to in times of need, or a family member to hug I wouldn't be as happy as I am today. So I guess the difference is feeling you need someone in order to be okay. But you know what. I do need someone. I believe that people need people.

It's hard for me to admit that though because I pride myself on being independent. I think it's crucial to know yourself, and be honest with yourself, so that when you are in a relationship there's a balance. And, yes, I know that you can be independent and be in relationship. I think it's just a fine line.

I figured out once that most couples have some type of power dynamic. I never want that. Maybe that makes me picky. (Or sane).

One of my dearest friends recently told someone that I was picky when it comes to who I date. It wasn't in a bad way. It was another friend asking what type of guy I'm interested in, and my good friend just said it like it was a fact. And while I've never thought of myself as picky, it makes sense to me.

I am a demanding person. Noone would guess it. Except those who know me well.

I expect a lot out of people, let alone someone I'm going to be in a relationship with. I'm not talking about the spending time with me or buy me things or dote on me expectations, although it is nice in doses. I'm talking about the I-want-whoever-I'm-with-to-constantly-be-evolving-or-working-towards-improving-themselves type of expectations. Oh, and he has to make me laugh, too.

The interesting thing to me though is that I would go out with pretty much anyone that asked me, unless I got an awful vibe (And that's only happened once. I go with my gut as you know), and I'm still finding it hard to date. I'm all for giving people a chance, and really, I'm all for going out. I think it's good to meet more people and date more guys because there are millions of people out there, and everyone is so completely different, so it can be fun to see how different people act in different situations. But right now it just hasn't been happening.

So where does this leave me?
A bit alone, but with a bit of hope.

I'll admit it folks, I'm tired.
I'm tired of getting my hopes up, and having them shot down.

I'm not asking for much. I just want to go on some dates with someone I like.
I'm not talking marriage. I'm talking a dinner, or a concert, or putzing.

I can't seem to find it. It's frustrating.
I'm frustrated.
But still hopeful.

So while I'm not getting married or having babies or buying a home, I am keeping the faith.
And really? That's good enough for me right now.
It has to be.

validation is sweet.

BC dropped a lot of bombs on me Monday when we met. You know the kind of bombs that I already knew but wanted to hear. The kind that girls dream of. The kind that make your heart melt. Yeah. Those.

So why don’t I feel better?
Validation is sweet. But is it worth it?
That’s what I’m questioning now…
I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer.

Do you?

craving it.

Some days, most days, I feel on top of the world. My optimism is a bit ingrained in me as well as the trust I have in my intuition.

But those other days. Those other days are the worst. And you've guessed it. It's an other day.

I have so much to be thankful for. I know this. That's why when I feel down it makes me feel like a brat. When comparing the struggles that a lot of people deal with on a day to day basis, my struggles are minimal, but somehow I can't figure out how to minimize the hurt.

What I really think it's coming down to is that I'm incredibly anxious right now. I'm not really an anxious person either which makes this a lot harder. I'm pretty laid back actually. I believe in my path and I am one hundred percent sure of myself when it comes to the big picture. The thing is the little picture. The little picture is driving me crazy.

I know a lot of this has to do with my financial dilemmas. I know I'll feel a little better when I have a full-time job. But really. I also know that something else is at work here. I know that finding a job, or being in a relationship is not going to solve my problems. But this transitional period is starting to feel permanent and I'm really craving some stability right now. Craving it.

So what am I supposed to do with this craving? What I am doing is staying active and trying to dig, shovel and create my path rather than walk on those already built. I know this is right. But in the meantime, I'm just aching from all the digging.

Please tell me hard work pays off. I don't think I'm asking for too much. Right now I just want a job, someone to love and love me, and enough money to live a comfortable life. Not extravagant. Comfortable. I honestly believe this isn't too much to ask for. Although the whole love thing is never easy. I've even gotten to the point to understanding why people settle. I don't have it in me truly to settle, but boy sometimes I wish I did. That sounds bad. But I get the settling now. Life is hard. Evolving is hard. For me, life is about working hard and becoming the person you're supposed to be. But on these other days settling sounds wonderful. Really all I want is to come home to a quaint home and surround myself with friends and family. I'll get it. I know. I just need to let go of the reins and accept where I am as part of the journey.

Here I go accepting.
Oh yeah. My mantra: let go of what does not serve you.
Got it.
I hope.

i've made up my mind.

It's final. I've decided to watch BC* on this reality tv show.



Tonight. 10 p.m.

*Starting today, exbf will now be referred to as BC. I'm tired of exbf, and really. He's so much more than just another guy.