I don't wear my heart on my sleeve; I splatter it against the wall.
May 31, 2009
May 30, 2009
i am becoming.
Last night I went to see Nine Inch Nails with one of my friends who absolutely adores trent reznor, and let me tell you, it was AWESOME! I've always been a fan of NIN, pretty much since Junior High which just sounds funny thinking of a 12 year old listening to them, but it's true. I had never seen them live though, so this was amazing. Not only did they play a ton of old music off The Downward Spiral, but the concert was outside with the Chicago skyline as the backdrop. I've now decided that I absolutely LOVE that venue just for that reason.
The drinks there were also hilarious. I got a beer while my friend got a mixed drink.
It cracked me up that the beer was bascially like a bucket and that it was necessary to have "Mixed Drink" printed on the glass.
So it was definitely a fun night. Randomly I also saw BC there which was funny since I hadn't talked to him for awhile. So I ended up going out with him and his friend after the show; my friend went home. And what was awesome was that I had so much fun just hanging out and goofing around with them. I've always loved him and his friends because they're a bunch of goofballs and I end up laughing a lot. It was also cool that it felt normal to get a drink, have a laugh and actually be friends without drama.
My weekend started off right. We'll see what the rest brings.
May 27, 2009
because i know you do.
I keep looking at this picture I took of Lake Michigan and thinking it should look straighter, like the lines of the concrete and the horizon should match up, but they don't. No matter what I do, how I see it will always be different than how it is in real life. And isn't that so true of most things.Lately I've been thinking about my blog persona vs. my real persona. I realize most bloggers have either posted about this or at least thought about this at one point, but it's been on my mind lately. I think that mostly has to do with the fact that my blog is pretty personal, things in my head. They don't entirely make up who I am, but they play a role, show a sliver. I know people realize this. I just can't help but think that I'm painting this depressing picture of myself, with my bruises showing. I know it doesn't matter. I know this is only a slice of my life, but I just want to make sure you lovely readers know that too. (I know you do.)
Because when I started blogging I was doing it purely for myself, to try something new, to start writing again. While those are still the reasons I blog, I've found all these wonderful surprises as well through blogging, such as the wonderful community, people who get it and so much more to read and see.
So I wanted to be clear. In the grand scheme of things, I am happy with my life. I'm happy with my path. Even when I don't know where it's leading I know I'm on the right one. It's something I've always felt deeply within myself. And while I struggle with it and write about it as if I just don't know what to do. The fact is. I do know what to do. I write. I write to figure this whole path out. I write to clear my head, straighten out thoughts, share sadness, bring joy. I've always communicated best when writing, and I'm just happy that I can share a side of me that most people in my real life might be surprised to see, grit and all.
So, thanks for understanding, because I know you do.
May 25, 2009
independence.
Do you ever find yourself walking down the street while mentally pumping yourself up? I'm not talking about "hey. you're awesome." I'm talking about "ok. one more step. deep breath. you are going to be fine." Because honestly that's how I felt today.
It could be that I consumed too much food and drink, sans the gym, this weekend, but I've had these feelings before. They aren't awful. It's just I see myself thinking that I need some extra words of encouragement, and welp, if I'm not getting them from someone else, I might as well give them to myself.
It's not even that I feel bad for myself or pity or anything negative, but in that moment I feel like if I can do this whole thing called life on my own and be happy, then it's just going to be that much better when I meet someone new. Because knowing that I am independent is a good thing. So is knowing that I need people in my life. For me, a large part of life is finding that balance between independence and dependence. Or more so, knowing when I should be independent and when I need to lean on someone. They are both necessary and, for me, important.
For a few years my brain has been saying: independence, independence, independence. Now that I know I will be completely okay on my own, if for some reason that's what lies ahead of me, my brain is saying: enough already, I need a break.
I honestly can't wait until I can lean my head on someone and know, in that moment, that my break has finally come. It might be a short break. It might be long. Either way I'm going to soak it up, to give my brain a rest and to open up my heart.
It could be that I consumed too much food and drink, sans the gym, this weekend, but I've had these feelings before. They aren't awful. It's just I see myself thinking that I need some extra words of encouragement, and welp, if I'm not getting them from someone else, I might as well give them to myself.
It's not even that I feel bad for myself or pity or anything negative, but in that moment I feel like if I can do this whole thing called life on my own and be happy, then it's just going to be that much better when I meet someone new. Because knowing that I am independent is a good thing. So is knowing that I need people in my life. For me, a large part of life is finding that balance between independence and dependence. Or more so, knowing when I should be independent and when I need to lean on someone. They are both necessary and, for me, important.
For a few years my brain has been saying: independence, independence, independence. Now that I know I will be completely okay on my own, if for some reason that's what lies ahead of me, my brain is saying: enough already, I need a break.
I honestly can't wait until I can lean my head on someone and know, in that moment, that my break has finally come. It might be a short break. It might be long. Either way I'm going to soak it up, to give my brain a rest and to open up my heart.
May 24, 2009
May 21, 2009
it is empowering.
I feel like I'm finally coming out of my shell, and let me tell you, it is empowering.
I've always been more of a laid back kinda girl. Yet also a girl who likes plans and honestly freaks out a little when they change. I think it's the knowing is what I like. Or what I used to like.
You see, I'm finally letting go of some of those controlling feelings. I never thought of myself as having issues with control, but the fact is I like to know what lies ahead.
But finally it dawned on me. Life would be easier if I make plans, but also let those plans change. Because we never really know what lies ahead.
I'm trying to put myself out there more, and what I'm learning is that it feels good.
I think it's kinda hard for us listeners when our society is so gregarious, extroverted and talk talk talk. But I'm not blaming society. It just leaves more room for understanding why some people think I'm this quiet, shy girl.
Because I'm really not.
I'm a listener, a lover, an analyzer and someone who just enjoys being around people.
So I'm getting out there, and I like it. I think I'm also feeling more comfortable in my own skin. Yes, I may speak a little slowly, laugh loudly and let silences be silent, but I'm also grabbing any chance I can get to try new experiences and meet new people and be a little more spontaneous.
(Do you like how I just planned on being spontaneous?)
While it may take me a little longer to really come out of my shell, I feel it slowly inching away. That is an awesome feeling, and for some reason I think it's just going to keep getting better with age.
May 19, 2009
all in my head.
Is a cute boy saying hi to me all I need to make my day? Some days, yes.
* * *
I've been burned figuratively and literally. Today I'm on fire. My arms ache from the heat. My back aches from the beating. The pain is all worth it. Definitely.
* * *
What the hell I'm really supposed to do with all my time. Yes, there are things I need to do, want to do, but what am I really supposed to do?
* * *
How much physical pain could I handle. Would I go numb after a certain amount of pain? Does the brain take over? Would I notice if bones were showing or blood was pouring? Not that I want to find out, but I do wonder.
* * *
Sometimes the sun's warmth is all I need. Other times it's the devil's.
* * *
I love/hate being alone.
* * *
What happens when one day I say enough already? Will the universe succumb to what I want when I'm ready? I could say I'm ready, but the universe would know if that's true; that's not something I can lie about now is it?
* * *
I need a partner in crime. It's time. I have a lot of close friends, dear friends, loyal friends. What I need now is a go-to friend. Or a group. Someone to call up at a moment's notice. The thing is I've always been friends with all different kinds of people, but I've never been one to hang in a big group. Sometimes I'm jealous of people who have that, other times I'm happy to avoid the drama. But maybe that's where my misconception lies. Do all big groups create drama? Maybe that's why I have my close friends, ones I can trust. But other times I'd like to not think about plans. I'm tired of always being the one who has to make them. I guess it's what I must do. That's why I want a group; so I don't have to do all the work. I'm my own worst enemy though because I'm so much more comfortable when it's one-on-one.
* * *
Sometimes when I'm walking down the street and I see a couple where the girl is blabbing on and on about this and that, I get it. I get why guys don't want to hear all the details. It's annoying.
May 18, 2009
the foreground.
Every now and then I see pictures of BC's baby, and it hurts.
Selfish? Maybe. Honest? Definitely.
While I'm happy to see him so in love with his baby girl, it still stings. I'm wondering if that'll ever go away.
You see, he told me he his girlfriend was pregnant, but the fact that it happened so quickly, so suddenly, after we broke up, well, it kinda broke my heart all over again. It was to be expected. Not the baby, but the new relationship. And while I know he didn't owe me anything, my heart still ached. I wanted that life with him. I wanted to see him in love with our child.
I am extremely emotional. I know this. I can't help but feel things at 500%. It's who I am. But I guess I'm also just an idealist at heart and a realist in mind. But knowing that he didn't owe me anything didn't make it hurt less.
Because honestly, we were so in love, but we both knew we weren't a match in that forever type of way. So we said our goodbyes. But where does all that love go? How do you say goodbye to four years of your life? It would've been a lot easier if there was somewhere to lay the blame. But life's not like that.
I used to think there were certain rules that made a relationship good. I've decided to throw those out the window. Sure, there are certain things I look for, but I'm learning to let go a little more and go with the flow. I've learned that I can be uptight about certain things. I've learned that while I say one thing, sometimes I mean another. I have this idea in my head about who I like, but I'm sure I'll end up with the complete opposite because isn't that just the way the world works?
And isn't that what relationships are all about -- learning more about yourself and pushing you to be the best person you can be? Because when it comes down to it, I cannot wait to have someone in my life who challenges me to better myself.
One thing that does make me happy about BC's baby is that I think she will push him to be a better person. Not saying he was bad by any means, but how could a child not push you? I always knew he'd be a loving and wonderful dad. Never once had a doubt about that because I've seen that sweet soul of his. I know him better than anyone; we both know that. He showed a side to me that many have not seen, and really, I see it as a gift. While we may not be in each other's lives as planned, there's something that we will always have together. I can't put a name on it, but it's there. We both know it.
Knowing stuff like that makes me believe more and more that there is something so much larger than this life. And to me, that's comforting. I don't believe in the sense of everyone having only one soulmate. But what I do believe in is that people have many soulmates throughout life. You know those people who push you, or those people who make you learn something about yourself, or those people who just love you unconditionally, or those people that make you see life differently. All of those people are my soulmates.
When you think of how many people are in this world, that's really the only way I'm able to see it right now. Maybe another soulmate will come along to challenge that thought, but until then I believe that relationships and love are more about time and circumstance. The miracle that happens is the falling in love, not the meeting.
So while I still carry some hurt, it doesn't control me. Hurt's part of life anyways. I know that. I also know it'll lessen with time. And I also know that it's something I just have to deal with, part of the background. And what's really important right now is the foreground. And the foreground's looking good. Summer is right around the corner, and I have a lot of plans lined up. And who knows what will happen in between all those plans. That might just be the best part.
Selfish? Maybe. Honest? Definitely.
While I'm happy to see him so in love with his baby girl, it still stings. I'm wondering if that'll ever go away.
You see, he told me he his girlfriend was pregnant, but the fact that it happened so quickly, so suddenly, after we broke up, well, it kinda broke my heart all over again. It was to be expected. Not the baby, but the new relationship. And while I know he didn't owe me anything, my heart still ached. I wanted that life with him. I wanted to see him in love with our child.
I am extremely emotional. I know this. I can't help but feel things at 500%. It's who I am. But I guess I'm also just an idealist at heart and a realist in mind. But knowing that he didn't owe me anything didn't make it hurt less.
Because honestly, we were so in love, but we both knew we weren't a match in that forever type of way. So we said our goodbyes. But where does all that love go? How do you say goodbye to four years of your life? It would've been a lot easier if there was somewhere to lay the blame. But life's not like that.
I used to think there were certain rules that made a relationship good. I've decided to throw those out the window. Sure, there are certain things I look for, but I'm learning to let go a little more and go with the flow. I've learned that I can be uptight about certain things. I've learned that while I say one thing, sometimes I mean another. I have this idea in my head about who I like, but I'm sure I'll end up with the complete opposite because isn't that just the way the world works?
And isn't that what relationships are all about -- learning more about yourself and pushing you to be the best person you can be? Because when it comes down to it, I cannot wait to have someone in my life who challenges me to better myself.
One thing that does make me happy about BC's baby is that I think she will push him to be a better person. Not saying he was bad by any means, but how could a child not push you? I always knew he'd be a loving and wonderful dad. Never once had a doubt about that because I've seen that sweet soul of his. I know him better than anyone; we both know that. He showed a side to me that many have not seen, and really, I see it as a gift. While we may not be in each other's lives as planned, there's something that we will always have together. I can't put a name on it, but it's there. We both know it.
Knowing stuff like that makes me believe more and more that there is something so much larger than this life. And to me, that's comforting. I don't believe in the sense of everyone having only one soulmate. But what I do believe in is that people have many soulmates throughout life. You know those people who push you, or those people who make you learn something about yourself, or those people who just love you unconditionally, or those people that make you see life differently. All of those people are my soulmates.
When you think of how many people are in this world, that's really the only way I'm able to see it right now. Maybe another soulmate will come along to challenge that thought, but until then I believe that relationships and love are more about time and circumstance. The miracle that happens is the falling in love, not the meeting.
So while I still carry some hurt, it doesn't control me. Hurt's part of life anyways. I know that. I also know it'll lessen with time. And I also know that it's something I just have to deal with, part of the background. And what's really important right now is the foreground. And the foreground's looking good. Summer is right around the corner, and I have a lot of plans lined up. And who knows what will happen in between all those plans. That might just be the best part.
May 17, 2009
May 16, 2009
head over heels in love.
I just fell head over heels in love.
With my city.
Again.
Today I spent 4 hours outside working out with Self magazine's workout in the park, and it was awesome. Even though the fields were wet and swampy and some lines were long it didn't matter because it was beautiful out and the activities were endless!
The main stage had all these different workouts including kickboxing, beach body and stuff of that sort, basically a lot of aerobics type classes, but fun. Then there were two other stations: quiet zone and trampoline zone. I was able to get into a session at the quiet zone doing yoga, but I was majorly bummed when I found out the trampoline zone sessions were all full. BOO! This would've been me, jumping on a mini-trampoline with weights, and I know I would've loved it. I guess next year?
What I'm amazed at is that this is the 16th year they've put on this Workout in the Park. I'm not sure how long it's been in Chicago, but I'm wondering why I hadn't heard about before. Either way, I'm glad I found out about it this year because it was so much fun.
While working out may not be considered fun for some, I just loved the vibe of everyone doing all the classes and being outside and working my butt off. At the end they even had a session where Bhangra dancing was taught. They even played "Jai Ho" (ya know, from Slumdog Millionaire) and then we got to do the fun dance at the end! Loved it.
Another reason I really fell in love with my city again was when I was leaving, I had to walk past the opening of the Modern Wing at the Art Institute of Chicago. Let me tell you. There was a lot of fanfare with music and free stuff being passed out and people just being excited to be outside on such a beautiful day. Just walking past Millenium Park and seeing the gardens, the fountains and people enjoying themselves totally made my day.
This city is truly so beautiful, and even though it's taken me awhile to fully take advantage of what it has to offer, I'm so glad that I'm soaking it all in now.
This evening I'm going to go to a street festival, the first of the season, and this makes me happy because that means it's time for drinking, eating and hanging out with friends. Isn't that what summer's all about anyways?
So Chicago. I love you. You have my heart. Again.
With my city.
Again.
Today I spent 4 hours outside working out with Self magazine's workout in the park, and it was awesome. Even though the fields were wet and swampy and some lines were long it didn't matter because it was beautiful out and the activities were endless!
The main stage had all these different workouts including kickboxing, beach body and stuff of that sort, basically a lot of aerobics type classes, but fun. Then there were two other stations: quiet zone and trampoline zone. I was able to get into a session at the quiet zone doing yoga, but I was majorly bummed when I found out the trampoline zone sessions were all full. BOO! This would've been me, jumping on a mini-trampoline with weights, and I know I would've loved it. I guess next year?
What I'm amazed at is that this is the 16th year they've put on this Workout in the Park. I'm not sure how long it's been in Chicago, but I'm wondering why I hadn't heard about before. Either way, I'm glad I found out about it this year because it was so much fun.
While working out may not be considered fun for some, I just loved the vibe of everyone doing all the classes and being outside and working my butt off. At the end they even had a session where Bhangra dancing was taught. They even played "Jai Ho" (ya know, from Slumdog Millionaire) and then we got to do the fun dance at the end! Loved it.
Another reason I really fell in love with my city again was when I was leaving, I had to walk past the opening of the Modern Wing at the Art Institute of Chicago. Let me tell you. There was a lot of fanfare with music and free stuff being passed out and people just being excited to be outside on such a beautiful day. Just walking past Millenium Park and seeing the gardens, the fountains and people enjoying themselves totally made my day.
This city is truly so beautiful, and even though it's taken me awhile to fully take advantage of what it has to offer, I'm so glad that I'm soaking it all in now.
This evening I'm going to go to a street festival, the first of the season, and this makes me happy because that means it's time for drinking, eating and hanging out with friends. Isn't that what summer's all about anyways?
So Chicago. I love you. You have my heart. Again.
May 13, 2009
i am a list maker.
I have a confession: I am a list maker.
I LOVE lists. I make lists every day about what I need to do today, tomorrow and anywhere else in the future. I also love keeping lists of books I've read, movies I've seen, music I need to start listening to. Or packing lists, grocery lists, errand lists. It's neverending.
I don't know what I enjoy more, creating the lists or crossing off what I've done. I'm quite productive when I make daily lists. It's a great reminder for me to have something in front of me because let's face it: I'm a night person. I usually get my second wind around 10pm. So after 10pm I think of all these things I want, need, have to do, but then I'm exhausted the next day. That's when my lists come in handy. It's my lively night self pushing my dreadful day self. And it works. I'm much more productive when I know what I need to get done.
If I don't write it down, I forget, then remember and am then too tired to do anything. Repeat. Repeat again.
I'm also getting older. I don't think I'm old, but once you're in your twenties, it's like, forget it, life is only going to keep getting busier. I'm okay with that as long as I have my lists, and my downtime of course.
One of my 101 in 1001 day brainstorming lists.
(Because of course creating this list is on my to-do list.)
One of my friends in college actually gave me a book called List Your Self because she knew me and my obsession so well. I still have so much of it to fill out. It has everything from List what you like to do after sex to List what's under your kitchen sink. Did I also mention that I'm one of those people that find it hard to pinpoint certain ideas or make lists if someone asks me on the spot? So this book should be perfect, right? I haven't filled out a lot of it, but while looking through it I found one page I completely filled out one day in February of 2008. I think it's appropriate that I went straight for this list considering it was one of the busiest times of my life:
I LOVE lists. I make lists every day about what I need to do today, tomorrow and anywhere else in the future. I also love keeping lists of books I've read, movies I've seen, music I need to start listening to. Or packing lists, grocery lists, errand lists. It's neverending.
I don't know what I enjoy more, creating the lists or crossing off what I've done. I'm quite productive when I make daily lists. It's a great reminder for me to have something in front of me because let's face it: I'm a night person. I usually get my second wind around 10pm. So after 10pm I think of all these things I want, need, have to do, but then I'm exhausted the next day. That's when my lists come in handy. It's my lively night self pushing my dreadful day self. And it works. I'm much more productive when I know what I need to get done.
If I don't write it down, I forget, then remember and am then too tired to do anything. Repeat. Repeat again.
I'm also getting older. I don't think I'm old, but once you're in your twenties, it's like, forget it, life is only going to keep getting busier. I'm okay with that as long as I have my lists, and my downtime of course.
My current list.
One of my 101 in 1001 day brainstorming lists.
(Because of course creating this list is on my to-do list.)
One of my friends in college actually gave me a book called List Your Self because she knew me and my obsession so well. I still have so much of it to fill out. It has everything from List what you like to do after sex to List what's under your kitchen sink. Did I also mention that I'm one of those people that find it hard to pinpoint certain ideas or make lists if someone asks me on the spot? So this book should be perfect, right? I haven't filled out a lot of it, but while looking through it I found one page I completely filled out one day in February of 2008. I think it's appropriate that I went straight for this list considering it was one of the busiest times of my life:
List all the thoughts and activities in your day that physically drain you.
my dumbass job - sad songs - grad school - everyday routine of work-school-homework repeat - wondering when I'll meet someone new - feelings of betrayal - sick family or friends - mean people - when I'm too hard on myself - when I think too much about what I'd look like completely toned - knowing I'm right - having secrets that will always be secrets - thinking how some things will never change - thinking of people going down difficult paths - thinking I'm forgotten - my heavy heart - working out drains me, but I love it.
It's been over a year since I wrote these out, but I can still relate to a handful of them. But I also could add some others and take some out.
Yes, lists may seem confining to some, but for me, it's all about the re-arranging. My to-do list is neverending, but not because I have one set list of things to do. It's neverending because my life twists and turns and new experiences come up that I could never foresee with a list. I like that. I like that and my lists, of course.
Yes, lists may seem confining to some, but for me, it's all about the re-arranging. My to-do list is neverending, but not because I have one set list of things to do. It's neverending because my life twists and turns and new experiences come up that I could never foresee with a list. I like that. I like that and my lists, of course.
May 11, 2009
hoping for the best.
My eye’s twitching, and all I want to do is stay at home. Instead I’m going to a “young professionals” function, which I really don’t want to go to. Why am I going? I’m questioning that right now. The practical side of me knows I’m going because I need to network because I’m still looking for a full-time job. The childish side of me knows I’m going because the child of one of my parent’s friends helped to organize it. And it just makes me think that my parents have no idea who I am.
Yes, they want me to get out there. I understand it, and maybe I feel I must since I am still somewhat financially dependent on them, and I feel guilty about it. I hate that that is the case, but I also feel spoiled and lucky at the same time. I of course will pay them back but until that happens, I feel like such a child.
So here I am getting ready to leave, and I just keep thinking about how it’s hard for me to “get out there.” Why do I have to do this? What is wrong with me? Why do I have such an aversion to functions like this?
I think it’s partly because I’m stubborn and like to do things that I want to do, and the other half is that I’m incredibly insecure about where I am in my life right now. It’s just my vicious cycle that I continue to battle, but when I’m throwing myself into a group of people who have nice jobs and spend their free time organizing political events it just makes me feel bad about myself. I’d rather be playing volleyball or going to book readings or doing just about anything else.
But I guess it’s good to get out my element if I’m ever going to win this battle with myself. As frustrating as it is, I know it’s “good” for me, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, or that it’s easy.
So I’m going. Begrudgingly. And I’m hoping for the best. On all levels.
Because that is one thing I'm good at, hoping for the best.
Yes, they want me to get out there. I understand it, and maybe I feel I must since I am still somewhat financially dependent on them, and I feel guilty about it. I hate that that is the case, but I also feel spoiled and lucky at the same time. I of course will pay them back but until that happens, I feel like such a child.
So here I am getting ready to leave, and I just keep thinking about how it’s hard for me to “get out there.” Why do I have to do this? What is wrong with me? Why do I have such an aversion to functions like this?
I think it’s partly because I’m stubborn and like to do things that I want to do, and the other half is that I’m incredibly insecure about where I am in my life right now. It’s just my vicious cycle that I continue to battle, but when I’m throwing myself into a group of people who have nice jobs and spend their free time organizing political events it just makes me feel bad about myself. I’d rather be playing volleyball or going to book readings or doing just about anything else.
But I guess it’s good to get out my element if I’m ever going to win this battle with myself. As frustrating as it is, I know it’s “good” for me, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it, or that it’s easy.
So I’m going. Begrudgingly. And I’m hoping for the best. On all levels.
Because that is one thing I'm good at, hoping for the best.
May 10, 2009
lemonade: bitter or sweet?
I recently received the lemonade award from two lovely ladies at lady tells all and a million miles from everywhere. And boy was I excited, but then I started to think. Wait. Lemons can be bitter. Does this mean I'm a bitter blogger? I mean I know I can go down that path from time to time but I don't want to be known for it, ya know?
But then I thought of another thing that lemonade reminds me of and that's SUMMER and relaxing and freshness, and so I'm just going to go along with that idea. That I'm a blogger that comes to things with a fresh perspective that someone can enjoy reading and relaxing to in the summertime. Yep. That's it.
All kidding aside, I'm very flattered to receive any awards because I feel like I just can't catch up with all my reading and commenting and exploring, and then more blogs just keep appearing and well, I've already talked about this before, so I will stop.
So thanks ladies! And to all those awesome bloggers out there that I haven't gotten around to yet, I sure hope you stop by to say hi, so I can do some more exploring!
slacker sunday: mom's favorite color
I love my mom more than anything. Her favorite color is purple. We both love cookies. And the older I get the more I realize how much we are alike, and I'm proud of that because she is a fantastic woman!
May 6, 2009
seeds have been planted in my head.
It's all about perspective.
I've had some crazy ups and downs lately, and while I realize this is just part of life, it also always makes me wonder why I get so worked up about life when there's so much to do and appreciate in this tiny world of ours.
I'm starting to understand a little better though...
Depression is a bitch. We've all been there. It's part of the human experience. And while I realize that it is also a serious disease, I am thankful that it is not part of my genes. But I do know a lot of people with it, and I think that's probably due to the fact that I'm a nurturing person who's drawn to the dark. I like to be there for people. The ironic thing is that it's hard for me to ask for help. I'm the strong silent type, if you will. It's not that I don't think I need people's help, it's more that I don't want to burden other people with my problems. I'm actually getting better at that though, sharing, letting it out when I should to those who care about me.
But when I am depressed, I get it. I get why there is so much darkness in this world. It's biting and sore, and it explains a lot actually. Because if I had to feel like that all the time, and didn't have the strength to get help, I don't even know who I would be today. It makes me empathize even more for those who struggle with it on a daily basis because it truly does take over a life, or at least it does that to me at times.
As I've said though, it's part of my life just as much as any average person, so I really don't have much to complain about. The revelation comes when I feel better, naturally. When the proverbial sun is shining, the darkness miraculously falls into the cracks. And then I wonder why it is so hard to come out of depression. I'm not talking sad, I'm talking hopeless. It's weird to me to think that the mind is that powerful. While I don't know much about the science behind it all, it's still strange to think that you have the power within you to change.
Without going on too much about it, my newest thing is perspective. It's the whole - there's always someone above and below you idea. Life could always be better, life could always be worse. So for those days when I'm feeling down and out, I'm going to try to think more about my perspective on life. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to feel my feelings and go along with the ride, but in order to keep evolving, I think it's important to realize where you are and where you want to go.
A lot of seeds have been planted in my head. As always. And I'm enjoying it. I can't get over how life is so messy, but I like it. I truly do. It brings me back to that fact that I have no idea what's ahead of me. Scares me. Definitely. But makes me happy too because I feel like I have so much to accomplish, so much to offer. At least there's that. At least I'm looking forward to wherever life takes me, even if it is through some dark scenes. And who doesn't love the dark every now and then anyways? Because I, for one, do.
I've had some crazy ups and downs lately, and while I realize this is just part of life, it also always makes me wonder why I get so worked up about life when there's so much to do and appreciate in this tiny world of ours.
I'm starting to understand a little better though...
Depression is a bitch. We've all been there. It's part of the human experience. And while I realize that it is also a serious disease, I am thankful that it is not part of my genes. But I do know a lot of people with it, and I think that's probably due to the fact that I'm a nurturing person who's drawn to the dark. I like to be there for people. The ironic thing is that it's hard for me to ask for help. I'm the strong silent type, if you will. It's not that I don't think I need people's help, it's more that I don't want to burden other people with my problems. I'm actually getting better at that though, sharing, letting it out when I should to those who care about me.
But when I am depressed, I get it. I get why there is so much darkness in this world. It's biting and sore, and it explains a lot actually. Because if I had to feel like that all the time, and didn't have the strength to get help, I don't even know who I would be today. It makes me empathize even more for those who struggle with it on a daily basis because it truly does take over a life, or at least it does that to me at times.
As I've said though, it's part of my life just as much as any average person, so I really don't have much to complain about. The revelation comes when I feel better, naturally. When the proverbial sun is shining, the darkness miraculously falls into the cracks. And then I wonder why it is so hard to come out of depression. I'm not talking sad, I'm talking hopeless. It's weird to me to think that the mind is that powerful. While I don't know much about the science behind it all, it's still strange to think that you have the power within you to change.
Without going on too much about it, my newest thing is perspective. It's the whole - there's always someone above and below you idea. Life could always be better, life could always be worse. So for those days when I'm feeling down and out, I'm going to try to think more about my perspective on life. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to feel my feelings and go along with the ride, but in order to keep evolving, I think it's important to realize where you are and where you want to go.
A lot of seeds have been planted in my head. As always. And I'm enjoying it. I can't get over how life is so messy, but I like it. I truly do. It brings me back to that fact that I have no idea what's ahead of me. Scares me. Definitely. But makes me happy too because I feel like I have so much to accomplish, so much to offer. At least there's that. At least I'm looking forward to wherever life takes me, even if it is through some dark scenes. And who doesn't love the dark every now and then anyways? Because I, for one, do.
May 3, 2009
slacker sunday: wheat grass.
For Earth Day, everyone at my office received these cute little wheat grass planters to sweeten the air from all the computers and office stuff. I took mine home because I'm only there twice a week. Now, I want to grow wheat grass all the time because it is tres simple and I like having plants around. These pictures span 5 days, and I didn't have to do a thing. Love it.
May 1, 2009
stage two.
(For stage one, go here.)
So this whole friend thing is quite a process, but at least I'm beginning to figure out the puzzle.
Saw BC again recently. All went well. Maybe a little too well because when it comes down to it, we have a lot of fun together and it makes me anxious to have that again with someone else. But this time I saw him amongst a group of people, so it wasn't like the two of us planned on hanging out together. It's more of him having viewing parties for the reality show, and me saying I'd stop by one of these days. So I went with one of my friends. And it was a blast.
I think that had more to do though with just having one of those fun nights where you talk to a lot of people, and everyone's in a good mood and it just continues to escalate. I love nights like that, and this was one of them.
While hanging out there, I of course saw some of his friends and family that I hadn't seen in a long time, and it helped me to figure out another one of my issues: I want people to like me. My natural inclination is to be irrational in certain situations. I think that since BC and I broke up, that means his friends and family hate me. I know. Ridic. But true in that crazy head of mine. And the thing is, even if they did, why would that matter? It wouldn't. It doesn't change who I am or what we had or what we're figuring out now. And I guess that's one of those things that I need to get over, so I'm working on it.
As for the friendship with BC. I still think it can happen. But I also know I just need for it to happen organically. I don't want to force anything these days, so it'll happen when it's time. Meanwhile, it is nice to know that we want to be in each other's lives. It's just figuring out exactly how that's going to work will take some time. So meanwhile, I'm going to continue to keep my head on as straight as possible and enjoy the process.
I'm tired of figuring stuff out. I love to analyze, and most likely always will, but I'm ready to keep it to healthy levels. I don't need to know the answer to everything right now. I just want to let my life unfold. And I think it's definitely time for that. And I'm finally ready to take that on, or really, let that go.
As I've said before, there's no script to life, so we'll see where I end up. I'm excited not only for the prospects of a new type of friendship with BC, but also for new types of love with whoever that lucky guy might be.
Whatever happens in between is just part of the surprise, and I'm looking forward to it.
So this whole friend thing is quite a process, but at least I'm beginning to figure out the puzzle.
Saw BC again recently. All went well. Maybe a little too well because when it comes down to it, we have a lot of fun together and it makes me anxious to have that again with someone else. But this time I saw him amongst a group of people, so it wasn't like the two of us planned on hanging out together. It's more of him having viewing parties for the reality show, and me saying I'd stop by one of these days. So I went with one of my friends. And it was a blast.
I think that had more to do though with just having one of those fun nights where you talk to a lot of people, and everyone's in a good mood and it just continues to escalate. I love nights like that, and this was one of them.
While hanging out there, I of course saw some of his friends and family that I hadn't seen in a long time, and it helped me to figure out another one of my issues: I want people to like me. My natural inclination is to be irrational in certain situations. I think that since BC and I broke up, that means his friends and family hate me. I know. Ridic. But true in that crazy head of mine. And the thing is, even if they did, why would that matter? It wouldn't. It doesn't change who I am or what we had or what we're figuring out now. And I guess that's one of those things that I need to get over, so I'm working on it.
As for the friendship with BC. I still think it can happen. But I also know I just need for it to happen organically. I don't want to force anything these days, so it'll happen when it's time. Meanwhile, it is nice to know that we want to be in each other's lives. It's just figuring out exactly how that's going to work will take some time. So meanwhile, I'm going to continue to keep my head on as straight as possible and enjoy the process.
I'm tired of figuring stuff out. I love to analyze, and most likely always will, but I'm ready to keep it to healthy levels. I don't need to know the answer to everything right now. I just want to let my life unfold. And I think it's definitely time for that. And I'm finally ready to take that on, or really, let that go.
As I've said before, there's no script to life, so we'll see where I end up. I'm excited not only for the prospects of a new type of friendship with BC, but also for new types of love with whoever that lucky guy might be.
Whatever happens in between is just part of the surprise, and I'm looking forward to it.
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